I am declaring that Starbucks becomes a designated foriegn country with its own unique laws that override U.S. laws the second you walk through the door — the laws are few and simple.

1. Starbuckians will be fully prepared to answer the question “What can I get you?” the second they are asked. If citizens are unprepared they shall be hit with a heavy stone (one stone per each minute in line where they did not think about said order). 2. Starbuckians will stand a minimum of 18 inches apart while in line. Furthermore, shall a citizen feel your breath on the back of his/her neck while in line you may be legally punched in the sternum, thrice if you’re also talking into a cell phone. 3. Chatting between Starbuckians at the cream and sugar counter is prohibited and is punishable by a swift kick to the shin(s). 4. Starbuckians are welcome to make small talk with the cashier (about the weather, kids, etc . . .) but only in their own private residences, after hours, and far away from me. Offenders shall be thrashed.

– We hold these truths to be self evident, especially when trying to get to work on time.